Okay friends, I'm gonna be real. This job is so, I don't really even know the right word. Bittersweet maybe? Now that set-up is done and campers are here, all of the craziness has begun. For the past two days I've been in and out of the office trying to rearrange sleeping areas, answering 1 million+ questions, hanging out with campers, dealing with special situations, you name it. Yesterday I was thrown so many different directions that by the end of the night I didn't know what to do with myself.
I have been so spent. Last night I was incredibly exhausted and emotionally and spiritually drained. It took a solo trip to Walmart, full of prayer and praise for struggle and letting Jesus break me into a million little pieces (for the second time this summer I might add...) and reassemble me for today. It was weird. Often I think my intense moments with God typically revolve around my eating disorder recovery and battles, which is more than true and reflected in earlier posts, but last night not so much. I really was just tired, and it was only day one! My anxiety instantly elevated to fear for the rest of the summer. Because the past several days have been so insane and utterly draining, I feared for how I was going to make it through two more camps. I doubted my capabilities in so many ways that it was nothing but sinful. My fears went to the place of knowing full well that I somehow made it through Monday, but I probably wasn't going to make it through Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday or two more camps in general. It's been days since I had a quiet time set aside to spend with the Lord and boy could I feel it last night. That trip to Walmart was forty-five minutes of releasing fears to Jesus, just spending time talking with Him telling Him what was going on and that I need Him (how fitting, our GroupMissionTrips question of the day was "What do you need from Jesus?").
So, I think this job is teaching me some things that I already know, but it's teaching them in a firmer way: realizing the blessing of hardship and thanking God for it is so important. Doesn't seem to make sense, right? But think about it. When do we typically face hardship? For me, it almost always is when I'm doing everything on my own and am not drowning ministry and service in prayer and sought-after guidance from the One who has sent me to do it in the first place. It's when I think I can take the world on my shoulders and carry it into victory all by myself. Then trouble happens. Why? Because only one man successfully holds the world on His shoulders and sees the victory, and that's Jesus. Duh. Hardship is a blessing because it is a constant reminder that we cannot do life without our Savior. I cannot be a part of Group Mission Trips summer staff without spending better quality time with the Lord. I praise Him for yesterday because it makes the peace of today all the more wonderful and a glimpse of hope for what's in store for the rest of the summer.
"Don’t run from tests and hardships, brothers and sisters. As difficult as they are, you will ultimately find joy in them; if you embrace them, your faith will blossom under pressure and teach you true patience as you endure. And true patience brought on by endurance will equip you to complete the long journey and cross the finish line—mature, complete, and wanting nothing."
~(James 1:2-3, The Voice)
As usual, Jesus equipped Max with the perfect words of encouragement for me last night. It's not that I don't want to share my struggles with other staffers, but there's just something special that Jesus is doing in allowing Max and I to support each other. Okay...I'll drop the mushy stuff, but I still think it's super sweet :). As for recovery things, the lack of mirror usage that I've decided to try out is actually working, I think, or maybe I just haven't had time to think about body image things...either way I'm definitely feeling better. Jesus is, has been, and will be on the move. Even through the struggles and demands of this job which seemed to break me down yesterday, I am blessed that He has been answering my prayers for recovery. With the newness of today I am confident that He will constantly pull me out the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire, and set my feet on Him, the rock, and give me a firm place to stand always.
Love you all. Pray for CBC...they're workcampers in Georgia this week!
P.S. That last sentence up there? Yeah, it's from Psalm 40:2, I'd like that to be tatted on my foot someday. Just an FYI ;)
P.S.S. ALSO. This is SUCH a good song. I pray we can all be difference makers. Peace & blessinz.
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